Chuck vs the Disappearing Body
by Wepdiggy
Summary: Serious Crack! fic. Sarah and Chuck are finally going to be together, but there is one little problem...er...three little problems in their way. Who will rescue them from Sarah's problems?


_Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck. Heh, that's a good thing, I'm thinking, right now._

_A/N: Okay, I don't know what possessed me to write this. Well, that's a lie. It's the damn pain medication I'm on after I broke my wrist today. That's why I wrote this. So if you have complaints, please blame Vicodin. But you can tell me in a review how much you hate it, too. Or how much you love it. Or how much you don't care. Just review. Thanks!

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**Chuck vs. the Disappearing Body**

Three years. Three years of heartache, and near misses, and almosts, and just general shittyness. It was all finally culminating where Chuck had always hoped, or how he'd hoped.

"Oh God, Chuck," Sarah moaned as she helped him take off her shirt.

His shirt soon followed, followed by both of their pants. Then: "Sarah, you _do_ have condoms this time, right? Because I didn't expect this to happen, and I don't have one, and –"

"You don't need one, Chuck," she said.

Chuck looked at her, confused. What did she mean he didn't need one? Of _course_ he needed one. That's why this hadn't happened before. That one time, he didn't have one, and they couldn't, well you know.

"But Sarah…"

"You don't," she reiterated, and she kissed him again.

Well, Chuck wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he continued, kissing her back, relishing the moment. Then, just as the moment of truth was upon him. Just as he was about to enter the gates of heaven, Chuck realized something odd.

"Um, Sarah? Where's your…you know?"

Sarah sighed. "Chuck," she said sadly. "I wanted to tell you…"

"You don't have a…"

"No. Well, yes, but…"

But at this point, Chuck was too horned up for words. So what if Sarah was vaginally challenged? He still loved her. And he still wanted to do this. And there _was_ that one conversation, a long time ago over drinks…

……

"_Okay, dirtiest secret?" Sarah asked._

"_That's the rules, Sarah. Sorry, I didn't write them," Chuck said as he took another swig of his beer. _

_Sarah blew out a frustrated breath. "Okay, you understand I can't tell you anything about past missions or anything, right?" she asked._

"_Yeah, yeah. I get that. I wasn't asking about missions anyway," Chuck explained. _

"_Fine," Sarah huffed. "Can, I," she swallowed. "Can I whisper it to you? I don't want the surveillance picking up on this."_

"_I can live with that," Chuck said, grinning. _

_Sarah leaned over to whisper into his ear. What Chuck heard caused him to pale. He couldn't believe it!_

"_You…you like to do what?!"_

"_Shh!" Sarah scolded. _

"_You LIKE when people do that to you?!" he asked excitedly. _

_Sarah blushed. "I like it a lot," she said shyly. _

……

Well, now that he knew what he knew, that particular piece of information made a lot more sense. So Chuck grabbed Sarah roughly and turned her over on her stomach.

"I'll try to be gentle," he whispered into her hair.

But just as Chuck was just about to give her what she'd once proclaimed to "like a lot", he was faced with another issue.

"Sarah, where is it?" he asked.

"Chuck, I was trying to tell you!" she said.

"What are you, Sarah?" he asked, scared.

"I'm a person! Just like you! I just have, well, some issues," Sarah explained.

At this point, Chuck felt as though he was going to explode if he didn't get relief soon. "Sarah, I, um, I hate to ask, but I'm kind of in a bind here." He looked down at his erection as if to illustrate his point.

"Oh!" Sarah said, shocked. "Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, Chuck."

"Yeah, I know," he said. "It's just, do you think there's anyway you could…"

"Give you head?" she asked.

"Thank you! Yes!" Chuck answered excitedly.

"Well, the thing is, I'd love to, Chuck. I really would. It's just that…"

Then Chuck watched as Sarah's mouth disappeared from her face. What the hell was going on?

No sooner had he thought the question than Sarah's phone began to ring. Well, of course Sarah herself was useless to talk on it in her current state, so Chuck picked up the device. It was Carina.

"Carina!" Chuck said answering the phone.

"_Chucky! Hey, how are 'ya? Is Sarah around?" _

"Carina, there seems to be a problem with Sarah," he said.

"_All of her orifices disappearing?"_ Carina asked.

"Yes! How did you know?"

"_Oh, Chuck,"_ Carina said. _"I'm afraid that's my fault."_

"Your fault? What the hell did you do to Sarah?!" Chuck asked.

"_Well, I didn't mean to, but see, ever since I was with Sarah, her body simply won't allow for anyone else to have her. It shuts down when I'm not there. Well, her sex organs do, at least,"_ Carina explained.

"You're kidding!"

"_I'm afraid not,"_ Carina said with a sigh. _"Why do you think Bryce was always such a frustrated acting douche-bag?"_

"Well, I guess _that_ makes sense," Chuck mused. "But Carina, can I ask you a favor?"

"_You want me to come back to LA so that you can have sex with Sarah?"_ she asked.

"Exactly!" Chuck exclaimed.

Carina sighed again. _"Fine, I'll do it. I could stand another go-round with your little friend, anyway."

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_A/N: You guys are awesome. Peace. _


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